


his last words

by iwaxoi_shzrg



Series: iwaoi week 2020 [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Fights, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Overdosing, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Sad Ending, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27990327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwaxoi_shzrg/pseuds/iwaxoi_shzrg
Summary: tw// this focuses on self harm, suicide and similar topics that might be triggering to some people so i advise you to proceed with caution"I will always love you, sayonara Iwa-chan~”
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Series: iwaoi week 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2037466
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	his last words

**Author's Note:**

> hey hey hey like i mentioned previously this might not be the best thing to read if you find it uncomfortable so be careful and remember you are loved <3  
> this is the last one shot for iwaoi week 2020 and i am so happy i got to write this thing with my best friend Phoenix! Their social media will be linked at the end so go follow them! They are the kindest person ever istg.  
> here is a link of international suicide hotlines please be careful https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines  
> you matter and so do your feelings <3 im so proud of each one of you

Oikawa Tooru had always struggled with his mental health, ever since he was a kid. He always felt out of place, as if the people around him were judging him and talking about him the moment he left the room. When he was little, other kids would make remarks like ‘He looks too soft to be a boy’ or ‘He’s so sensitive; just like a girl’, but as they all got older and learned new, more harmful language, what was once snarky little comments became harassment and abuse, brushed off as ‘bullying’ by adults.

There were very few people Tooru ever felt connected to and safe with, and even fewer who actually knew how these things affected him. Iwaizumi Hajime was that ‘even fewer’. The two had been dating for a while now, but it was only known to their families and their team.

Tooru was a good actor, so he was able to hide his feelings from everyone else in his life, only being his most vulnerable and true self whenever it was just Hamjime and him. These last few months, however, he’s had to start hiding from Hajime too.

Everything had been so much to handle since losing to Karasuno, and he didn’t want Hajime to have to handle the same burden he was. Yes, this would seem like something to talk about with someone else to get the weight of your shoulders, but Tooru just couldn’t this time. He knew Iwaizumi blamed himself a lot for their loss, constantly talking about ‘If I’d just hit the ball harder or in a different direction!’ The added weight of Tooru’s own personal guilt isn’t something he felt his boyfriend needed; hiding was the best way of ensuring that.

The first few weeks after their final loss were extremely hard for him to figure out how to shield himself from Hajime, but eventually he started acting like his usual self again, even though that was the complete opposite of how he was actually feeling.

Hajime was weary at first, not believing that the way Tooru was acting was just because they lost the Spring Tournament, but he didn’t push for an explanation because he knew the times he could get away with pushing, and the times it was just best to wait for Tooru. Waiting felt like the best thing he could do right now.

Time passed and Tooru never said anything about their loss unless it was relevant to practice. It worried Iwaizumi, but if Tooru wasn’t coming to him about it, then he must have been able to process it and move forward on his own. After all, this isn’t the first time he had lost to the first year freak duo of Hinata and Kageyama.

A bit over a month later, Hajime had started to feel like his Tooru was coming back to him, but there was always that slight glint in his eye that would slip through when Tooru thought no one was looking, one that Hajime could barely catch, that slight glint that Tooru was slipping, that slight glint that something was wrong but it was too painful for him to talk about.

Hajime wanted so desperately to push Oikawa for answers, but was scared of the outcome that might have, so yet again he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Until one day, he couldn’t wait any longer. Months had gone by and all he’d pried out of his boyfriend was ‘It just sucks, y'know? I mean, we never got to go to nationals, despite how hard we worked.’ His patience was wearing thin, and he needed to know what the hell was going on with Tooru.

After they finished practicing on this particular night, Iwaizumi hurried to his phone, texted his mother he was spending the night at Tooru’s, then abruptly announced it to the younger of the two the moment he stepped into the club room.

"Woah Iwa-chan, not that I'm complaining or saying no, but why so sudden? Usually you ask me, but it kinda feels like you're not leaving me any choice."

"That's 'cause I'm not giving you a choice, Tooru. Something's fucking with you and I'm not leaving your side until you tell me what it is." 

"I'm sorry my sister is coming over for dinner tonight." Tooru tried to think of an excuse for why his boyfriend shouldn't come over. 

"As if it would be the first time I'm at your family dinner." Hajime rolled his eyes, getting slightly annoyed.

"Iwa-chan I'm really busy." Tooru took his stuff and tried to walk out of the room but Hajime stood in front of the doors determined. He was going to get answers by Tooru one way or the other.

"Iwa-chan." Tooru sighed, "Please let me out."

"Not until you tell me what's been bothering you. For real-" he pushed his hair back, letting out a sigh of frustration, "You don't tell me anything anymore."

Tooru bit his lip and shouted, "I TOLD YOU IT'S NOTHING!" 

"WELL THERE'S OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING DAMMIT!" Hajime reached out for Tooru's hand but the other boy just pushed it away.

"LET ME GO HAJIME!" The sudden change in going from a nickname to his first name left Hajime shocked. 

"Tooru-" he started but the young setter just pushed him out of the way and walked away. 

"Leave me alone dammit…" he whispered as he passed next to his boyfriend.

That day Hajime came home kicking his shoes in the hallway rather aggressively.

"Hajime?" His mother called out, "Didn't you say you were going to young Tooru's place?"

"Change of plans." Was all he said as he made his way upstairs.

He laid on his bed for a while trying to get his mind off Tooru. Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong and Hajime still didn't know what that something was. It annoyed him and he felt like shit just on the thought of being oblivious to his boyfriend's feelings. I mean- they DID know each other since childhood it would be embarrassing...but Hajime just couldn't put two and two together. 

Was it because of their loss to Karasuno? Nah...it couldn't be that. Their loss against Karasuno was probably one of the background things that affected Tooru's thought process. He probably put all the blame on himself and felt like failure. He probably thought that he would never be enough. His knee has been bothering him a lot recently as well. He mentioned his parents arguing pretty often and his grades started dropping. 

He laid in his bed for the next few hours thinking about his boyfriend before he eventually drifted into a deep sleep.

•

That was the worst fight Tooru and Hajime have had since they were little. It left Tooru shaking and stuck to the ground where he stood. Eventually, he was able to force his legs to move, and when they did, he ran. He ran and ran and ran. Hot tears were streaming down his face at unimaginable speeds, completely blurring his vision.

Time was incomprehensible to Tooru. What was only about twenty minutes of running felt like hours. In those twenty minutes, every single self deprecating thought or comment made towards him from the last fifteen years crossed his mind.

Worthless.

Unimportant.

Replaceable.

Weak.

Waste of space.

With these thoughts, and so many more, screaming in his ears, he needed a way to let them out. He needed something physical. A physical form of pain to distract from the horrors of his own mind.

When Tooru had gotten home, he was alone. His mother was doing a late shift for work today and wouldn’t be home again until early the next morning. He had lost control over his body from the moment he closed the front door. He felt his body moving, he saw his body moving, but no matter what he did, he couldn’t gain control again.

He moved to the kitchen and grabbed the sharpest knife he could. Within moments, there was blood running down his left arm. He could see the blood, it was clear as day against his light skin, but he didn’t feel it, and that’s all he wanted. He wanted to feel. So he did it again. And again. And again.

Dozens of cuts over both his arms later, and he still wasn’t feeling it. He didn’t know what to do. The voices were relentless and only got worse with every new marking on his body.

You’re so pathetic you can’t even harm right.

If slicing up your arms isn’t working then you might as well end it all.

End it all.

Everything else in Tooru’s mind silenced, leaving just those three words to echo over and over again. Tooru still wasn’t in full control over his body, but he was able to get a piece of paper and pen, quickly scribbling an explanation for Hajime, and then placed the letter in a place he knew that only his boyfriend would find.

Soon after, he was back in the kitchen, but this time grabbing booz and outdated pills. After acquiring the things he needed for his attempt, he walked up his stairs, made his way to his bedroom, and locked the door behind himself.

There was still fresh blood seeping from Tooru’s open wounds, making his hands shaky as he opened the bottles of alcohol and pills.

He was really doing this. He was really never going to see another sunrise, never going to see the stars again, never going to play Volleyball again.

He was never going to see Hajime again.

He couldn’t fight this pain anymore though. He wanted out. He needed out. He started popping pills and chasing them with the variety of different drinks he had.

Seven bottles of pills and four bottles of liquor later, Tooru was left feeling weak and nauseated, unable to stop himself from stumbling to the ground, landing roughly on his bad knee, but because of the desensitisation from the multitude of substances he’d downed, he didn’t feel it, not like he would have if he was sober anyways.

Tooru fell back towards his bed and his eyes instinctively shut. Tooru didn’t mind. He was tired. Never waking up again was the best thing he felt he could do.

Tooru’s heart soon thereafter stopped beating. The blood flowing on his arms stopped. His mind was finally at ease. He saw nothing, he felt nothing, he heard nothing. It was all over. He didn’t have to suffer anymore and it was freeing.

•

It was midnight. 

Hajime woke up in cold sweat. He felt his heart shrink and beat fast. His mind was screaming at him that something's wrong. Something was definitely very very wrong and Hajime felt like he was going to throw up.

He opened his contacts and called Tooru. No one answered. The famous "Iwa-chan" ended up unsaid.

His hand slowly started shaking in fear. What was this feeling? What could have happened? He was probably overthinking things by now but...what if something WAS wrong???

His sixth sense was in the state of alarm which made it hard for Hajime to get up and walk to the window. He opened it wide and took a look at his boyfriend's house down the street. 

He picked his phone again and instead of calling Tooru he called his boyfriend's mother who he knew had a night shift at her job.

"Hajime?" Old woman's voice asked, "What happened?"

"Is Tooru okay?" He blurted out.

"What do you mean?" She asked, "Hajime why are you calling me at midnight?"

"Wait...aren't you working a night shift-? I- it's Friday?"

"Didn't Tooru tell you?"

Hajime's breath became slow. 'No!' He wanted to shout 'He doesn't tell me anything anymore!'

But in the end he just shook his head and replied with a simple no.

"We're on vacation." She explained, "He chose not to come...I thought he told you that."

Hajime was silent for a while. Shivers ran down his spine as his heart started racing.

"Oh...he must have missed it." He mumbled, "I'm sorry for waking you up." 

"It's alright. Now go to sleep." 

Hajime nodded and hung up. He stared at his phone quietly. "I don't think I will." He whispered and climbed out of his window trying not to wake up his parents or neighbours.

That night he sprinted to Tooru's house so fast he was sure he would never be able to beat that record. He knocked on the door multiple times but no one answered.

He started banging on the doors even louder until he had enough. If he continued doing this someone would call the police.

He sighed and walked to the back of the house and tried the back door. Locked.

"Dammit Shittykawa!" He swore under his breath and sighed. With one harder push on the doorknob doors were open. Broken but open.

He made his way towards the living room but no one could be found there.

Cold sweat started dripping off his face as he tried to find his boyfriend. All of a sudden the house that was like a second home to him became an unknown maze.

"TOORU!" Hajime shouted as he almost collapsed. His vision was going black and he felt his head scream in agony. 

He barely made it to the doors of Tooru's room. The closer he got the worse he felt inside. "Tooru-" he reached out for the doors. "Open...the fuck up." 

But no one answered. 

Hajime cursed himself and pushed the doors open. 

He wished he didn't.

Because there he was...Tooru...his precious Tooru was on the floor laying in a position that just didn't sit right with Hajime. When he saw empty bottles of pills next to him it all came crashing.

"No...Tooru." he walked up to his boyfriend and fell on his knees. "Wake up."

He slowly took Tooru's hand in his own just to be greeted with nothing but cold. 

Hajime remembered how when they were little kids Tooru would squeeze his hand tightly when he was afraid. The habit continued even when they grew up. But this time...Hajime's hand wasn't greeted with a squeeze of Tooru's warm hands...they were frozen. As if he held them in snow or something.

He cursed himself over and over again pulling his boyfriend's body closer to himself. He hugged Tooru’s body tightly and shoved his face in the dead setter's neck.

"Why...why did you do this asshole?" He said with a shaky voice, "Why didn't you let me come over dammit."

Tears started rolling down his cheek, "Maybe if I confronted you earlier...if i said something earlier...Maybe you wouldn't be such an-" a heartbreaking sob escaped Hajime's mouth "-idiot."

"What am I supposed to do now?" He asked no one in particular.

"Why did you leave me Tooru...why dammit…we could have fixed it. We could have-" another sob, "We could have gone through it together." 

"F-fuck…"

•

Two days have passed since the funeral. It was a foggy day. But fog was not the only thing that filled the air. There was also despair, sadness, guilt and so many other bad feelings.

Hajime stayed on Tooru's grave the longest. He talked to his dead boyfriend for quite some time, putting all the blame on himself. 

After about two hours of grief he finally walked home. He walked up to the house he grew up in. He walked up to the room he slept in almost every night(when he was not at Tooru's), the room he had his first kiss, the room filled with Tooru's hoodies. He walked to the room that still smelled on Tooru even though he didn't live there.

He quickly changed from an uncomfortable shirt and jeans to one of his old Aoba Johsai sweatpants and one of Tooru's hoodies. It was warm…

He sighed and buried himself in blankets and pillows hoping to wake up from this bad dream he was having.

But he knew this was not a nightmare...it was real life. His precious sweetie, cutiepie mr. Dipshit Tooru Oikawa took his own life and Hajime didn’t know how he was going to survive on his own. 

To lose someone you knew since childhood wasn't easy. He could almost feel his touch. He could hear his voice.

Before he knew it he was crying again. To distract himself from the horrible reality, he decided to open his laptop and surf on the internet until he felt a little better. He wasn't completely sure if the laptop was charged. Tooru borrowed it a few days before his death and Hajime got it back just yesterday when Tooru's parents visited. They had to cancel their vacation and travel back to Miyagi… 

Before he could react, a piece of paper fell out and Hajime grabbed it quickly.

It was a blue paper...the one Tooru had in his alien notebook.

He slowly unfolded it and realized it was a suicide note.

"No…" he mumbled, "no no no no-"

He started reading…

“I’m sorry Hajime, but this world is just not my place.

There’s nothing left for me, I’m just a waste of space.

I’m a disgrace, I was misplaced.

It’s ok though, Hajime, cause you’ll see me again one day.

You’ll know when your time has come, just look at the moon.

The same moon I did, the moon that lit my room the night I died.

When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting for you.

I couldn’t stay with all this pain, I’m not a fighter, but I know you, and you’ll make it through.

Hug your pillow tight and hold my memory close.

I know in a year you’ll forget all about me cause I’m not something to be dwelled upon.

That’s what they used to tell me, all the kids at school, all those years ago.

So I’m going by the law; ‘majority rules’

If anything, I hope this makes you stronger.

You’re the best friend and partner I ever had,

I hate that I had to make you so sad.

Just remember that you meant everything to me.

To my heart, you’re the only one that held the key.

Now it’s time to go, I’m running out of space to write.

Yes, I lost my fight, but please hold on tight.

I’m watching over you from the clouds above,

sending down the purest and whitest dove.

It’ll watch over you and be my helpful eyes.

So I guess this is it.

I will always love you, sayonara Iwa-chan~”

Hajime could barely finish reading the note, the tears that had stopped flowing only moments ago were back, full force. Whether or not it seemed as if he was going insane, he didn’t care, but he could hear Tooru saying the last line of his note. Sure, he’d heard the rest in his lover's voice too, but that was only faintly, the last line was the most vivid he’d heard Tooru’s voice in his head for the last week.

“Why, Tooru?” He pleaded with the air that surrounded him, choked sobs escaping from his scratched throat that were filled with nothing but absolute pain and sorrow.

“W-why did y-you h-have to l-leave me- w-why couldn’t y-you call m-me I-I-Iwa-ch-chan one l-last t-time.”

**Author's Note:**

> i really hope you liked this one shot me and Phoenix had a lot of fun writing it!  
> our social media: my artstagram and tiktok @arxie.arts, my twitter @Artsarxie  
> Phoenix's twitter, wattpad(they post these same one shots there) and insta @Phoenix_306_


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